I puked a lego.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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