well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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