So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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