Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
