if you like me you must not know who I am
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
