i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
