I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
