It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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