Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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