you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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