The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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