We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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