she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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