I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
