Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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