That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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