At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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