She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
