apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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