Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
