East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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