low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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