I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
