Your face is a jimmy john
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
