So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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