How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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