I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
