taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
