so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize