It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
