??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
