Fine. I'll sleep in my office
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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