Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
