They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
