We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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