I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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