I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize