Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
