i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish you could order shots online.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
