On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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