You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
