my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
