When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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