We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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