I met the friendliest cop last night
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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