if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
