Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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