Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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