i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
