8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
