You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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