Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
