i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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