Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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