That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
