my phone needs a breathalizer
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
