Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
