The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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