my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
