My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
