We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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