I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
