Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
