11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
someone owes me an orgasm
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
