I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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