I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
