Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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