Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
