I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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