My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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