3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize