She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
